Every time I think it will be the last time I log on here… it never actually is 🙃
I suppose I felt the need to return here after this past week (and month, or maybe two months?) because this is the space where I sent many of my hopes and dreams out into the universe, and it feels like those dreams are beginning to be realized. I’m sitting at my (wfh) desk, looking out the window in our beautiful apt, and just sobbing. It’s 4pm on Friday of my first week at my new job, and it feels like many years of manifestations have come to life. It feels like I’m sitting inside my own dream, almost to the point of pinching myself to remember it’s actually reality. It’s truly surreal. I tell anyone who asks how happy I am to be here, to the point that they may think I am insane or delusional, but how else does one respond to their dreams coming true in real time?
Just before sitting down, I received a care package in the mail from my new manager (one of many I’ve received, wow) with pens and notebooks and postcards and books about womanhood and inclusion in design and I just started crying. I immediately thought of posts I’ve made ~on here~ as a freshman in college when I had juuuust started piecing together who I am and what I truly care about. I was just starting to be exposed to design, and to the world around me, and to concepts of feminism and injustice. I remember a conversation I had in my dorm room (after forcing my roommates to listen to an impassioned rant of some kind) and one them asked what it would look like to use design for feminist causes. I remember feeling that seed get planted in my brain. What would that look like? Is that something I could do? It felt like such a big dream (and still does), but maybe one I could actually realize in this lifetime.
Eight years! I have been dreaming of this moment. And I’m here now, inside that dream.
I chose to spend this past year mainly in isolation, drowning out all external input so I could heal and listen to my inner voice. I knew it was time for a new chapter but I doubted if it was possible for me to receive everything I wanted so badly. But all the pain, the passion, the fire in my stomach and rage that brings me to tears, were meant for me to feel and experience. Learning to channel my passion into words and art and design allowed that seed to take root. There is a reason I feel so deeply. There is a reason why I care so much. It’s not a fault, it’s a superpower. And I get to be in a space where not only does that empathy matter, it’s actually celebrated. I get to contribute, even in my own small ways, toward something good. And even if I am not an activist on the ground, I get to do what I am good at in a way that supports people with ovaries to live healthy and fulfilling lives.
And many flavors of icing on the cake are how genuinely kind everyone is, how beautiful the brand is, how wonderful my team is, and that I will actually get to grow as a designer rather than feel stagnated and alone. Not to mention the feelings of personal satisfaction and confidence that had left me for so long.
I did this! I made this happen. I got myself here. With endless support, and privilege, but also with my determination, and grit, and unwillingness to settle.
I took this leap, even though it was truly terrifying. I did the calls, I made the presentations, I held my own, I went after it even when it scared me and it actually WORKED. All the struggle, the fear, the worries, the sweating through my shirts, actually paid off. HAHAHA. I DID IT. I have a note saved on my phone of all the things people said to try and get me to stay, and I still chose myself. I saw what paths I could have taken, and I chose the risk of something new over the comfort of the familiar.
I am so proud of myself for following my heart and listening to my intuition. I’m ready for this journey. I’m ready for that seed to blossom.
